Self Transformation .com

You’re NOT Crazy. You’re Just Waking Up.

Just because other people react negatively to the change they see in you… does not mean it’s BAD.

It could be your time to grow.

Growth isn’t just uncomfortable for the person going through it, it makes the people around them uncomfortable, too.

It’s when we attach ourselves to another person’s reaction that we can inadvertently abandon ourselves.

I saw this happen when I was going through my spiritual awakening and multiple forced trips to the mental hospital in 2018.

Divorce was the primary catalyst.

It woke me up.

I suddenly realized I’d been living a lie.

I’d been stuffing down my true self to keep other people comfortable.

Trying to make sure I wasn’t…

too fast
too much
too weird
too passionate
too loud
too ___________.

Then came a point, soon before I separated from my husband, that I decided I did not care what he (or anyone else) thought anymore.

I wanted to be FREE… and I wanted to be ME.

And ALL of the emotions and desires and intense “me-ness” that I’d suppressed for so long… exploded out of me.

It’s time to stop feeling STUCK in your life and business. 

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People who didn’t even know me called me crazy or “bipolar” because they didn’t know what was happening underneath the surface.

All they knew was the Caitlin they thought they knew and had come to expect. They thought something was wrong with me that required a lifetime of medication.

The reality was that I was having a very normal reaction to a very toxic situation that had festered for many years.

And when I finally noticed what I’d been doing to myself… my first reaction was that I was SO relieved that I didn’t have to do it anymore.

I didn’t have to pretend to be happy when I wasn’t happy.

I couldn’t contain my excitement about the freedom that lay on the horizon. It felt like my life was finally beginning… like I’d just been let out of prison.

People expected me to be different, though… sad, maybe? I’m not sure. Some thought I was in denial over the “proper” emotions to be going through in a divorce.

And eventually, I was sad. Not because I lamented the loss of the relationship… I had been in denial about how I felt about that for years.

But I had been in such a habit of accepting other people’s reactions to me as more “accurate” than my own emotions and, rather than just ignore the accusations, I defaulted to believing other people’s responses were more valid than my inner voice.

And I began denying my own feelings.


If all these people and doctors think something is irreparably wrong with me, they can’t *all* be wrong. Right?

But they were.

No one knew me like I knew me.

Even when it seemed like I was going “crazy,” I knew I had awakened.

I didn’t always explain it well — it’s not like the awakening experience comes with a manual — but I’ve met hundreds of people who’ve been through something similar. It’s happening all over the globe.

I knew I was releasing years of pent-up emotions and, in effect, meeting myself for the first time.

Yet the labels kept coming…

bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar bipolar.

Over and over again, doctors and non-doctors alike tried to convince me that something must be irreparably wrong with me for me to have had such an intense reaction to the trauma of divorce.

Emotional instability is NORMAL after trauma!

(I hope whoever needed to hear that, heard that.)

I NEVER accepted the diagnosis of “bipolar disorder.”

I never took the medication except when it was forced on me in an inpatient setting.

And I’m so grateful that I trusted myself.

Now, looking back, I have SO MUCH compassion for that version of me who hated herself for not being what other people wanted her to be.

I acknowledge and validate the OKAYNESS of an explosion of emotions after years of suppression.

I know that what happened is exactly what needed to happen to catalyze growth. Even when I was forced into the mental hospital the first time, I knew I was there to get an inside look at a broken system that was hurting people.

It’s been two years since I started podcasting and sharing my story of awakening and recovery from the trauma of my experience within the mental health industrial complex.

That podcast has saved many lives, and that makes the whole experience worth it.

And while it is extremely satisfying to my ego to know that every single doctor (and random internet onlooker) who labeled me with an incurable mental illness was WRONG…

… I also have immense compassion and forgiveness for them… even the ones who cut me out of their lives entirely.

It’s enough for me to know that I’m not the same person I was. I’m so much more than an ego trying to protect itself and be “right.”

We’re all just trying to make sense of the world and the people around us.

In our society, it’s become commonplace to diagnose someone with a mental illness than to look deeper at what’s going on underneath what you can see.

That’s the result of the mental health industrial complex 🙂

And I truly believe the people who believe they are “normal” are the ones suffering the most — silently.

I know that… because that used to be me.

They’re living in a comfortably uncomfortable reality they’ve forced themselves to accept for so long that they believe they’re “stable”…

… when they’re actually just asleep.

And when they wake up… I’ll be there to tell them they’re NOT crazy ❤ 

TRANSFORM is back on July 20-21 🙂

YES, I am ready to transform!


One Response

  1. Caitlin, this is a moving confession although it’s quite possible you are not talking to me. I don’t identify. I have never experienced such sustained pain and inner turmoil. However, I did feel emotionally encouraged after attending what I think was your 2-day TRANSFORM premier 2 or 3 months ago. You are gifted, and I want to cheer you on whatever direction you take and wherever you find yourself totally at peace.

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